How to Shift from Rescuer to Coach to Empower Yourself and Others

The previous 2 posts in this series of how to shift from Drama Trauma to Empowerment explored how the Rescuer shows up and what make this dynamic so dramatic in the not good ways. Now we look at how it is so empowering for everyone to change into the Coach role so that you empower yourself and others.

First, let me say this all resonates so much for me because I’ve been there. So I know it can be hard when you see yourself in some of last post’s behaviors list - the good, the bad, the ugly, the well meaning.

I struggled accepting I couldn’t save some of my graduate students in the way I saw ‘saving’ or saw what I thought their solution should be. Sometimes, I thought I was the failure, which those self-blaming thoughts served to further the ‘not good enough’ stories and ‘imposterism myth’ that laid at the core of an unworthiness wound.

Yet, at times the failures were indeed theirs to own and work through - such as the person who misses repeatedly their deadlines or timelines or who doesn’t invest the time or prioritize to complete tasks they’ve signed up for, like a dissertation or degree or project.

Side note of importance. There’s a difference between mediating and changing the higher education system’s bullshit that prevents success - totally the role of faculty/staff to do - versus someone’s internal self-sabotaging behaviors - totally theirs to do, with guidance or tools.

Taking on other’s work as a Rescuer gave me a temporary rush of purpose and service followed by lots of guilt, worry, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion. What it never did was give them the tools to engage in more effective behaviors, or change how they worked or prioritized tasks, or even how to make more value aligned choices.

It definitely never facilitated their own self-discovery of who they are and why they are here (on Earth, in grad school, in the relationship, etc). THAT - the work of self-discovery- is truly the work that needs doing - that is how education and professional trainings can be transformational rather than transactional.

Shifting into the Coach instead though is a game changing tool to get out of that no-win cycle. From the Coach role you create self-empowerment that fuels empowering others in their growth so that they can take ownership that is authentic to them and get out of trying to live into other people’s expectations and dreams. After all, a Victim mindset in the Drama Triangle perspective comes from the loss of a personal dream where blame gets shifted outward.

The Coach Starts Within

A Coach is a shift to serving as an inspiration for others rather than doing the work for others. You live your self-work - meaning you are showing up minding your own business, so to speak, but actually knowing what you want for your life and creating your boundaries and embodied action steps to make it happen. When you do this, you are role modeling the work and shifts. You are gently stepping aside from the drama and letting it fly by without resistance or intervention or fixing.

Of course to make this shift, you have to do the deep self-work of why you’re in the role of rescuer and what are the behaviors of others that trigger the Rescuer. Because as in all relationships, you are part of the equation even if it is meant for good intentions or to serve or the help. This part of the work is inner - it is about what are you done tolerating in your relationships as you’ve rescued other’s in their work. Noticing the parts you have you self-silenced as a people pleaser or the need to be validated by others.

Noticing. Creating awareness. Understanding yourself.

When you feel triggered into this role, you can pause and notice your inner thoughts. Then ask the bigger question internally of "What Do I Want?”

In this interaction, what do I want with my response? [why am I wanting to respond in xyz way.]

How I want to support/help the other person? [and is this helpful to them owning this]

What am I seeking in my response?

Is this person asking for assistance? And can they do it themselves? Or is it theirs to do?

Then asking them the same question of “What do you want?”

Are you asking me for solutions? Are you asking for a sounding board? Are you seeking venting and gossiping cycle? What type of help are you seeking from me?

Pause to reflect and take it all in. Create a time limit for yourself - that you won’t respond with a yes or no until the next day, or hour, or even 5 minutes. Create space.

An important part of shifting out of Rescuer and into Coach is that Coaches have boundaries and Rescuers tend to have few to none that they enforce. Boundaries are knowing your limits and your ‘yeses’ so that you can communicate clearly how to be in relationship with you. Boundaries are self-less in this way - it’s you not people pleasing because that creates untruth and inauthenticity - it’s you saying ‘here is how to connect with me based on who I am and what I need to be me.’ Boundaries also keep what’s yours, yours and theirs, theirs, which is why they are so threatening when you first start establishing and holding them. Boundaries are you stepping out of enabling another person’s negative coping behavior.

It’s on you to decide if you can give support without strings or without violating one of your boundaries. As in sports, the Coach encourages, cheers, and strategizes.

But knows that as a Coach, you create you own life (inner and outer) and other’s create theirs. This is where the Victim role becomes the Creator - the belief that each of us is responsible and can create in our own life. Much of my Reclaim You series is built on the idea of helping you get back to creating - by knowing who you are, what wisdom is in your body and Nature, and designing what you want to move towards. You can see how these empowered roles actually go hand in hand.

It is one of choice - yours and other people’s. Read more about the power of choice from The Center for the Empowerment Dynamic who follow the Empowerment Triangle. And I love another one of their blogs talks about the power to choose not to be overly helpful, aka what I’ve talked about in over-functioning and overworking.

How the Coach Acts Outward

A main way the Coach can show up instead by asking questions and empowering through challenge and support.

The Coach is a shift to knowing and acting accordingly that the other person is a Creator - they have the power to choose the life they want to live rather than being a Victim. The Coach takes action with an outcome in mind rather than reacting to problems or responding from a defense mode of crisis or fixing.

I’m going to share with you some of my favorite Coach questions. Here are some that shift answers and knowing from you to the other person:

What do you need to do next to make this goal happen?
What information do you need?
Where can you find that information?
What are strategies that help you stay accountable to these goals and timelines?
Who is on your support team for accountability?
What do you foresee as your biggest obstacles or behaviors that may get you off track?
And how can you adjust and plan for those proactively?

Putting It Together

This wraps up my client-inspired series on from drama Rescuer to Coach, for now. These mindsets and behaviors are so interconnected to perfectionism, imposterism myths, burnout, rebuilding resilience, over-functioning/working, somatic disconnection, trauma, etc. Essentially all the topics I love working with so people can learn to love themselves and others, in part because I’ve been there and I want you all to experience freedom from the pain that drama trauma brings with it.

One of the huge benefits I’ve seen when folks get out of rescuing is you create time and energy for yourself!

As one client said last week, “I get to live my own life. And prioritize my self care. I feel joy in me stepping back from all of these other people's responsibilities. Giving them a chance to grow.”

Create some space for yourself and join us in January with the start of two workshop series: Grow Boldly in Restorative Rest and Reclaim You. Grow Boldly is my seasonal free series that runs live group calls for one week where we dive deep into what Regenerative Rest means and how you can build it into your routines and schedule without more to-do-ing. Redefining Rest has been a huge topic so check here for my foundational guide on Rest.

Another benefit I’ve seen when folks become Coaches is they are tapped into their own passions and creating.

When you’re always in other people’s business, you can’t be in your own. During my life coach training with Martha Beck, she would always say something to the effect of, ‘what other people think of you or do is not your business.’ Similarly here, as the Coach you can help them know their business and find the tools, but your first focus is on knowing what your own business is and staying there. Creating is part of tapping back into your natural, innate form of creativity, which is another foundational piece to empowerment. Here’s another free guide I wrote for Creativity.

When you are busy creating your life and impact work, you are connected into your intuition, purpose, values, and community action that is uniquely yours to do. Starting Jan. 20th, Reclaim You is my 8 week bootcamp workshop series designed from the ground up and out to get you learning who you are and what you need rather than other people. It creates a foundation for you to shift into Creator so that you can Coach others.

I am excited for you to join the amazing community we create together in both of these group journeys. Check them out and let’s talk.

Share with me ways that you empower yourself and others as Coach and Creator!