I Learned Love: Lessons from a Recovering Academic

Oct 10

I know to talk about love sounds cliche, especially on the cusp on marriage (did you miss that announcement?). Nonetheless, I couldn’t be here now being loved and loving fully without the huge transformation into self-love.

In reflecting on this beautiful space of entering a vow of love, I reflect on my higher ed departure often this fall since it’s been a full year. Especially in light of all the national conversations on how ‘work won’t love you back’ well, hell no it won’t - shock of no shocks, but the bigger question is, do you love you back?

So the short version: The biggest lesson I’ve learned in leaving and since quitting academia is self-love.

I share this because in my work with other higher ed folks, the biggest need is I witness is….(drum roll)…self-love.

How I got to this thought. I was at a lovely dinner the night before a day workshop with a Texan university last month. It was a group of faculty/administrators and they asked me what was the biggest thing I noticed since leaving higher ed a year ago. Folks are often curious - leaving higher ed is similar to the most exotic vacation or trip to the moon one can imagine.

I was struck in that moment. LOVE.

The realization of how much I had tolerated in all those years - how toxic my relationships were with others, with work, and most heartbreakingly, with my self.

I didn’t know how to love myself so I tolerated other’s toxic, bullying, and immature behaviors.

I didn’t know how to love myself so I overworked, over functioned, and burnout over and over.

I didn’t know how to love myself so I wanted to save others when I needed to save myself.

I didn’t know how to love myself so I didn’t know how to love others nor receive love.

As a previous academic, I had done more philosophizing on love than knowing how to embody Love.

In my last years of grad prep teaching, I espoused a pedagogy of love and care in order to promote change within ourselves in order to make societal changes.

My pedagogy followed bell hooks radical love – love over fear and apathy – love that speaks in compassion and cooperation not competition. hooks said that love is a choice. We choose to engage daily in “all the dimensions of love – care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge” (hooks, 2000, p. 94).

But I was better at expressing and holding lovingkindness towards others than myself. And even then, it’s difficult to imagine expressing genuine love and care when one is in scarcity mindset with its fear foundation. Many institutions these days seem to be playing defense only. How exhausting to always be building arguments and stances for all the ‘just in case’ scenarios.

That’s not love and care. That’s catastrophising. It is a mindset of attempted control with no window of tolerance for uncertainty. In this space, there will not be any change, creativity, or innovation. Yet, those are the three actions leaders say they need or should be wanting.