The bumble bee is my new mascot for living with authentic voice.

Ever since my first breakdown back in 2016 (the one with herniated discs from chronic stress), I’ve worked to - what I thought at the time - heal myself. As this self-work evolved, now I see our role is really to whole and rewild.

What I mean is summarized like this. To build up and experience our wholeness so that we can be mature adults and stewards in this world. Wholeness as a framework of we are worthy and enough rather than broken and needing fixing. And, to rewild is connected within and out so that we can experience the interconnectedness to all Beings - humans, plants, fungi, wasps, you name it. That wild part of each of us that we feel so intimately as young children but that all of our systems shame us out of as we age.

I understand how much that idea of healing was staying in a deficit or scarcity mindset that I so badly wanted out of from the constant critique of higher ed. My 11 days in the backcountry wilderness with ‘nothing’ to stare at and, at times, no other humans to be in communication with except Nature Beings really handed me back the fallacies of my narrow awareness.

The work to whole and rewild feels so much more aligned and critical to folks who know we are here to lead, advocate, and educate through our ongoing crises and chaos (much of what we as humans have created or unleashed). I personally realize how much I had been still sitting in the sorrow and suffering rather than in the abundant love and critical hope - which, mind you, doesn’t ignore but rather holds sacred space and regenerates new growth from old.

I want to share a transformative interaction I had with Bee that really showed me wholeness during Day 2 of the Solo Fasting stage.

That morning, I was sitting out in the sun because it had been raining ever since embarking on the solo part. I was in my mind rather than body - I was sort of struggling with the ‘am I doing this right?’ Achiever voice - perhaps you too have a voice like that. I was going back and forth in my mind analyzing and trying to figure things out rather than letting soul and Nature do their work on me.

[Note: I find this is a constant struggle for folks like me with these academic or high-achieving backgrounds where we are used to prioritizing cognitive knowing. This is one of the main pieces of my work actually - helping folks get back into their bodies, intuition, and felt sensations as wisdom.]

Now I get to the magical story of the Bumble Bee Who Taught Me to Sing:

I sat there journaling - what does this mean for me, what am I doing, what’s the next step of my work, - all the things my brain wanted analyzed and decided by itself. Then, a bee with a body of yellows, brown, and orange and who had brown markings on her wings and a most unique left wing. Her left wing was formed differently than the right. It had a slice of the moon shape out of the end. My beekeeper mind when into overdrive trying to analyze why and what - was it a deformity or from wear and tear or what. But her behavior was baffling me, which in hindsight I see was necessary to get me out of thinking.

She would land near me, on me, on my journal, around she’d go, continuously. Flying away to return moments later. Always doing the same. BUZZZZZZZZZ dance of sorts. Fly off. And back. BUZZZZZZZZZ.

Words fail to express the interaction - even in my journal that day - my notes are lacking. Words lack explaining what happened. There’s just a hasty sketch I did of her in order to remember rather than detail as I did’t want to miss out on the interaction.

Once I got past my own self disbelief and attempts to explain, I asked, “what are you telling me?"

And this time I listened.

I listened with my body and soul. I heard her ask me to sing MY song as she was singing for me.

I picked up my rattle, I felt into my body, I began to sway awkwardly, at first, trying to remember my own rhythm that had been buried deep long ago.

At first, I started singing at first softly to her. Then with each repeat, my voice swelled up to the sky. The bigger, louder, stronger my song became, the taller I sat and swayed.

I felt decades of heavy blocks/barriers/walls fall from around my neck. My throat felt open and free for the first time.

As I type this story out for you, I can hear the social protector voice in my head warning me against sharing. She wants to protect me from mocking and dismissal that is so rampant in our modern disconnected world. But this time, I tell her I have to share. To be authentic in my voice requires stepping past the dis-ease of playing small and hiding our voice.

I (those protector parts/voices/gremlins) had been holding me back from living this beautiful connectedness to Life. I had been holding my ‘wounds’ waiting to ‘heal’ in order to fly. To fly and live and dance is inherent in who we are as whole, worthy Beings on this Earth. To be whole and rewild is to live from a place of being resourced and aware - letting go of ideas of perfect or healed or pleasing others.

Once I turned off the thoughts, ‘bees with misshapen wings don’t fly/thrive’ and ‘bees I know, don’t do this behavior,’ I was able to get to ‘bees I have known don’t behave this way, but this is a new way of bee-ing’ - a new way of speaking.

Finally, to listen deeply is the main part to speaking authentically. One big lesson I have been working on is the perspective that listening is a form of yielding whereas doing (analyzing, rationalizing, etc) is controlling. One of those solo nights out there under the thundering big sky, I buried that part of me who holds herself back through controlling. I want to yield instead. I yield to Nature’s teachings so that we can be in relationship together and each day may I speak my authentic voice out for others to share Nature’s gospel.

What does your authentic voice sound like? Are you ready to yield and listen deeply? What voices hold you back or keep you small? And are those your true voice?

Bee like the Bumble and get all up in that good stuff!

Sign up for Autumn’s Grow Boldly free workshop series to Step Into Embodied Action With Your Voice: https://www.tamarayakaboski.com/grow-boldly

In this week long live interactive workshop, we will practice using our mind and body in unison for decision making rather than ‘should-ing’ ourselves with other’s expectations. These practices help support aligned boundaries based on your needs rather that other people’s wants, which is critical to standing in your voice.

Sign up now to activate your own authentic voice!

What I’m reading to explore wholing and rewilding more:
I recommend this book of rethinking modern psychology and wellness: Wild Mind: A Field Guide to the Human Psyche by Bill Plotkin of Animas Valley Institute (yes, the group I went on the wilderness quest with). http://www.wildmindbook.com/