Spotlighting the Darkness: Burnout, Anxiety, and Depression
Burnout.
Anxiety.
Depression.
The Pandemic Wall.
Business as usual since 2020? I know from my friends, students, colleagues, clients, so many of us that we are struggling in our own and, sometimes, similar ways. So, I decided to share my journey through these because I wondered who might need to hear that they are not alone. Who might need to hear some encouragement without sugar coating the struggles. We need more spotlights on our darkness so we have a greater chance of finding the light again, together.
Big picture first. By December 2020, 42% of those surveyed in US Census reported anxiety or depression and that the upward trend is global. As of May 2020, anti-anxiety med scripts has increased 34%. And if you’re a mom, magnify those feeling with exhaustion and resentment because there’s no other social safety net in the US but often womxn in unpaid (or poorly paid) support roles. Thus, as we reach near the one year anniversary since the pandemic started in the US, collectively, we are hitting the Pandemic Wall – a spiritual and emotional exhaustion – on top of everything.
Given this, it was not surprising then that by the end of 2020, I, too, was face-to-face with depression triggered by burnout and episodes of anxiety.
For me, what it looked like varied on the day or part of the day. Sometimes I was blah. I was unmotivated squared. Needed more sleep but was always tired. Kiddo would pull the covers off me in the morning to get me out of bed.
And, yet, sometimes, I felt good. I functioned. I did the motions and they felt normal. Like ‘old times’ me. I’d even make it to my yoga mat at home only to be distracted by my own
Then other times, I could feel the anxiety spiral start. It would take over with crying and texting a friend. At many points, my appetite was for carbs and sugar not higher workloads and remote schooling expectations and arguments.
I would tell myself. I had tools. I knew to do things. Yoga. Walk. Meditation. Journal. Friends. Therapy. Hike. Cat and kid snuggles.
I wasn’t a person who typically was unmotivated or anxious. I thought I could wake up one day and be snapped out of it. So I kept waiting and just touching in with my regularly scheduled therapist. Because after all, on social media I looked normal enough. I seemingly functioned with (remote) work, up until I just couldn’t anymore. It felt like paralysis of the brain.
A natural snap out of it didn’t happen. I had to make some significant shifts to rest and restore with the help of professionals, time off work, and medication. The last couple strategies felt drastic and, you know, what, they are – because these are drastic (and I’m gonna say it), unprecedented times.
One of the harder parts though has been facing mental health assumptions/judgments.
I want to push back against the social stigmas of mental health in society. Humxns tend to judge others when we haven’t experienced the same or when we are scared or see ourselves reflected back and we don’t like it. Sometimes when I would share beyond my inner trusted circle, people would hush it back into darkness. Well-meaning folx would say things like, ‘oh you don’t have to talk about it.’ Maybe they worried it was contagious, the word, depression, they could catch it if spoken into the air.
But the most harmful were my own stigmas – my internal self-judgy beliefs. I berated myself for not being able to pick myself up out of it, as if depression was just a pothole I fell in accidentally. I felt shame for and was embarrassed that I was an educator, life coach, mother, friend, etc, who couldn’t get ‘it’ together. I didn’t want to share because so many others seemed to be ‘fine’ in light of what they had going on – hell, apparently some people are traveling the world and learning the violin or Mandarin. Whereas I felt like a failure and a phony for ‘giving in’ to anxiety and anti-depression meds (and only then after much encouragement of my support team and providers – thank you to you all – I love you!)
These times are exhausting, and anxiety/depression are added exhaustion. Read that again - these times are exhausting - and the need for rest will go against the at-all-costs work ethic that drives capitalistic profit making in this country. To rest may feel uncomfortable. I still trying to learn how to rest and how to let go of productivity and outcomes.
Here we are. Lastly, I want to share items that might offer encouragement or distraction.
The things for my own experience and context that helped me were….
- Reaching out to my health care providers and therapist.
- Being open to options of support and using a team approach to wellness.
- Letting my trusted inner circle people know how to support me.
- Resting. And resting some more…and learning to nap or close my eyes for a moment.
- Only then did I feel like I wanted to add back in a bit of daily exercise and return to better eating habits.
- And maybe, just maybe next, I can feel a desire to return to mindfulness and meditation. This is a goal.
I want to share some podcasts and readings that have helped me with perspective, reflection, and understanding …
· On Being podcast episode, the Soul in Depression, hit me with many, ‘wait, what, wow, replay that’ moments. Guests share historical stigmas rooted in the Judeo-Christian tradition of suffering is noble, but depression is evil. Having been raised within both Protestant and Catholic church walls, this ah-ha hit hard.
· Brené Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast on Burnout and Completing the Stress Cycle. After a year of this pandemic many of us are stuck in repeating cycles of fight, flight, or freeze without ever shaking it off.
· Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May. There’s also an On Being podcast episode with this author called How Wintering Replenishes. Here’s a snippet that sat with me:
Doing those deeply unfashionable things – slowing down, letting your spare time expand, getting enough sleep, resting - is a radical act now, but it is essential. This is a crossroads we all know, a moment when you need to shed a skin. If you do, you’ll expose all those painful nerve endings and feel so raw that you’ll need to take care of yourself for a while. If you don’t, then that skin will harden around you.
It’s one of the most important choices you’ll ever make.
- Wintering, p. 14
(I want to acknowledge that there is a strong vicious cycle in our capitalistic system that preys on people’s well being and health in that we, as a nation, do not provide adequate or, any for some, mental health care coverage or job support beyond FMLA, if you are lucky to have that option even. I made a choice to keep this post focused on the personal share at this moment due to the suffering and pain I’m seeing around me rather than all the systemic bullshit and system/employers who have abandoned people when they needed support most. We can talk that later. )
Be well, friends. Much love to you all!