I took a little hiatus from blog writing - ya know, I got married down by the river and honeymooned in the high desert and have been feeling all the feels as we blend this beautiful family together. But now I’m settling back into THIS beautiful work with you all and realized it’s time to dive in deep to what I call ‘drama trauma’ cycles so buckle up, friends…

This time of the year/semester I hear LOTS of variations of these scenarios from clients….

Committing to service work that exceeds requirements
Being accessible to students, colleagues, friends well beyond reasonable weekday hours
Should-ing yourself by agreeing to family holiday wants over your own needs
Doing work for other people that is theirs to do
Overworking because ‘if I don’t, no-one will’ or ‘no-one will do it as good’
Feeling always in response mode to drama or putting out fire mode
Feeling guilty for setting boundaries and shifting responsibility back to others

All of those are sure signs that you need to make a change for yourself in how you show up for yourself and with others. Because we all know too well that we can’t force change in others.

Often my 1:1 coaching and Strategy Session conversations involve strategizing how to deal with other people (ie partner, colleague, supervisor, or student) where the dynamic has become intolerable or draining or a cause of resentment. This time of the year more than ever with the upcoming holiday season combined with year-end wrap ups at work or semester completions.

It may feel like everyone else has last minute wants and their own sense of urgency that easily takes over your own needs and goals.

If that sounds familiar, we are going to walk through how you may be trapped in a drama trauma cycle. Over the next couple posts, we will look at your role and how to get out of this before you find yourself as exhausted after winter break as you were going into it.

Drama Trauma

Often in scenarios above, I hear what I call ‘drama trauma’ - this is how we response from a trauma informed pattern to other people’s drama or behaviors. It’s a learned, instinctive response pattern that we do and typically we tend to fall into some main roles although we can do any role depending on interactions.

Drama is how we make meaning of something - an incident is interpreted as negative or terrible even though it may be neutral or no longer happening. It can also be worry that is future oriented - a friend always called this ‘borrowing worries that don’t exist’ - how our brains are designed to try and predict all the worst ‘what if’ scenarios as a really fucked up survival mechanism.

I use the word trauma from the belief that we all hold traumas in our bodies that create patterned responses, mindsets, and behaviors. From this perspective, trauma is how we respond to incidents rather than any incident itself. My fave reads on trauma are The Body Keeps Score and It Didn’t Start with You and My Grandmother’s Hands.

How I developed this ‘drama trauma’ understanding was first learning about the Karpman drama triangle, described below, during my life coach training with Martha Beck. I’ve been using this framework since 2018 in my own self-growth work, with graduate students, and now with my coaching/workshop clients. It was really helpful in teaching doctoral students with how to give and receive feedback because I often show all 3 roles get inflamed when editing occurred. Then during 2020-1, I trained with a nature-based therapist on somatic trauma informed practices to be able to shift out of drama trauma responses and into Embodied Action. All based in knowing we are social beings and socialized into patterns responses through childhood, schooling, and past relationships. I believe we have the power to shift those responses through mindful awareness, rewiring neural connections, and somatic body based practices.

Drama Triangle

The notion of the drama triangle goes back to the 1960s as the Karpman Drama Triangle but continues to help explain roles and conflict or drama cycles. There is a point of conflict or issue and then you and another person(s) enter into a patterned dynamic in response - it is anxiety based rather than solution or proactive based.

In the drama triangle, there are 3 main roles: Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. I have found that most of whom I work with fall more into the Rescuer category so I’ll focus on in that role intently next post.

The Rescuer is the over helper - the one who comes to the aid of the Victim to the point of perpetuating helplessness. They need to be needed for sense of worthiness or purpose. These folks tend to over-function, which I’ve talked about before as a pattern with over-working. And they tend to lack boundaries and have people-pleasing tendencies.

The Victim is the ‘poor me’ but rarely has solutions or desire to get out of that place. The world is happening to them rather than they are an active participant. The Victim needs both the Rescuer and Persecutor to absolve them of their personal responsibility for acting. You may see this in the friend or student or partner who likes to use you as a sounding board for venting but never do they come up with solutions nor do they want your solutions.

The Persecutor is the critical parent who blames and points the finger. Often the persecutor is in a battle for control.

Ultimately, the drama cycle leaves everyone feeling helpless, unmotivated, and without personal power. It is a fixed mindset rather than a growth mindset where change is encouraged and expected.

From Drama Triangle to The Empowerment Dynamic

As you see in the visual, since the 1960’s, others have used this work to flip it into The Empowerment Dynamic which we will incorporate as well. It’s about creating and choosing rather than responding and fixing.

The power of choice is fundamental to shifting out of drama trauma. Your power and the power of other’s you work with. Choice requires that you take responsibility for your own actions and behaviors. Responsibility as your ability to respond. Choice is yours to say yes or no to and silence, avoidance, or protest behaviors are choices, too. Own them.

Then you can make the choice to shift into intentional thoughts, questions, and actions and out of responsive and defensive ones. This allows you to choose an empowered role of Creator, Challenger, or Coach. We will talk more about Coach as a flip to Rescuer next.

Which role do you resonate most with?

Are there certain relationships you fall into one or more of these roles with?

Which interactions or relationships make me feel the most uncomfortable or at dis-ease right now?

Let me know if this resonates and how you create awareness of which role(s) you play.