The Over-achiever’s Need for Boundary Protection

Nov 4

As an over-achiever, I work with A LOT of other over-achievers. Ya know, takes one to know one. And we gravitate towards each other, and all.

A good question is why try to do it all?

There are likely many answers to that question.

A main answer = no boundaries. [My more fun answer is I’m a Capricorn with Capricorn rising so double the over-achieving desire, ha.]

Some answers to the ‘why’ that I explore a lot with myself and others are:

People pleasers struggle to say ‘no,’ and so do perfectionists and over-achievers
Helping others has a shadow side = control
Over-helping and over-doing can be a failed attempt at self-worthiness
Disconnection between mind and body needs so the doing keeps on doing
Trauma wall prevents the knowing and understanding of self needs and values
Not actually knowing that self-care wasn’t just exercise and generally good food

What I’d come to realize in my own healing was that I had no boundaries. I didn’t know how to make them nor what they needed to be because I didn’t know myself enough as I’d catered to other’s wants of me. And most of all, making boundaries felt unsafe because then people might not like me, or I’d be poorly evaluated at work or by students and family.

Doing it all had become a source of pride for me - as it is for many over-achieving kickass folks I know. As a hardcore over-achiever, I wore over-extending like it was a superhero cape! Saying no wasn’t an option because that would admit defeat that I couldn’t or wasn’t good enough or didn’t belong in the academy.

And I see this TONS of no boundaries within higher ed as I mentioned in the last post about boundaries. Let’s talk about the phrase - imposter syndrome - for a minute. Kickass folks bend over backwards to do things beyond their time and energy limits to ‘prove’ shit. Ever pause to think about just how much higher ed benefits from the imposter syndrome? Save that for another post.

Over-achieving helped in my determination to belong somewhere so I squeezed and forced myself into other people’s mold. (You see where this is going with no boundaries right?) I had turned my [Capricorn] ambition, unquenchable curiosity, and love of learning into one mean, dark shadow of a host of unhealthy patterns and behaviors.

The result of my lack of boundaries around my drive? This October was the 5 year anniversary of my first breakdown. That break was physical. At the time, I was an associate professor, writing a book, training for a 1/2, momming a 3 year old, applying for sabbatical leave and research, and all the things that fit into the job description under other duties.

It earned me two herniated cervical discs, pinched right side nerves, and massive shingles outbreak. The result of chronic stress and over-doing all the things. And I mean ALL the fucking things.

For November’s Grow Boldly workshop, we are going deeper into this boundary work because it’s been so enlightening talking with folks about this topic as we inch closer to the two year mark of the pandemic.

So grab a cuppa tea, your journal, and a box of tissues (just kidding, maybe), and dive into some reflection:

Assessment and Alignment Reflection Questions:

Where in my life (personal and work) do I keep getting frustrated, angry, or annoyed?
With whom in my life (personal and work) do I keep getting frustrated, angry, or annoyed with?
What am I tolerating in my relationships with kids, partners, colleagues, family, and supervisors?
When I am tolerating ____ in my relationship with _____, how is it in or out of alignment with my values?

Next action to take? Make sure you’re registered for our next FREE Grow Boldly workshop.