Making sense of our grief
Touchpoints throughout every week, sometimes days, now contain regular conversations on grief. My own, friends, clients, and strangers in passing. There is so much to grieve. The world has become more painful and traumatic. Loss is more present than ever. And, also, the world has always been traumatic for some. Many of us just didn’t or couldn’t see it or it was easier to turn away.
Grief is something to turn towards, not away from. We show our humanity and the potential to do things differently in how we build a relationship with our grief.
To be clear: my grief and acknowledgement of it are not indicators of suffering. Actually, quite the opposite. Denying my grief led to suffering. I’m grieving regularly for all the losses around me, and, also, I’m not suffering. Does that distinction make sense to you, too? I think people feel bad for me or worried. I’m not worried. I’m relieved.
I remember a time when I wasn’t equipped to ‘handle’ grief. Maybe you feel that way too? I say that carefully too, knowing I still don’t know what I don’t know and what’s ahead. I am more comfortable in the discomfort, and that right there feels like where we need to be as humans. But back in the day, the only thing in my toolbox was the trite phrase, “I’m sorry for your loss.” I don’t bemoan this per se. I was inexperienced and had no role model for grieving. My few experiences with loss were of my beloved grandparents. In those cases, I had most of the adults around me telling me not to be upset and then another core group of adults drinking to stifle their own emotions. There has been a lot to unlearn there, let me tell ya.
Anyone else want to do this differently?
How have you seen grief role-modeled?
What do you want for your grief and for others?
In my climate work, the thing I keep coming back to is it is our responsibility as humans now to witness and hold the losses that we have all been complicit in. When I workshop on Embodied Climate Action, it’s not about how to recycle better or live sustainably, because those are bandaids hiding the roots. Just like when I teach about our overing behaviors, we can start with slashing your calendar and routines of commitments. That’s a good entry point for folks. And that’s a bandaid to give you space to do the deeper shifts.
Rather through holding and witnessing the grief within and around, I believe we can develop a more interconnected relationship with ourselves, our community, and Earth that is regenerative and outside of the capitalist, white supremecist exploitation that has gotten us here. Our work right now is unlearning all these mindsets and behaviors that have become so embedded in us through the educational and work systems, not to mention our families and society. While I regularly feel so enraged, I know to channel those emotions to this work - this work of learning how to be human together with each other as a part of the world in a deeper way.
Much of western society dislikes grief because it feels so uncomfortable and we are so focused on positivity and happiness. I think this is, in part, because we haven’t learned how to recognize grief, how to befriend it, and how to work with it as it does its work on us. As displayed in the story of my own family’s process of grieving loss, many of us have no ritual beyond funerals, and even then, not all of them are healthy. What do we do then with grief that has no funeral ceremony connected to it?
Writing out our emotions is a practice that I stand by over and over. My clients might tell you I’m a broken record on morning pages for brain-dumping your thoughts and emotions onto the page. But it’s because I’ve seen the power in allowing ourselves to show up more authentically somewhere - and for many of us when we’re starting this transformation work, the safest place is on the page, for your own eyes only.
Writing is therapeutic and generative. Try some of these out and let me know how it goes for you:
What are your thoughts on grief?
How has your perspective and experience with grief changed over your life?
What support systems and relationships have been meaningful during your grieving process?
How have connections with others influenced your ability to cope with grief?
Where do you feel compelled to gather in grief?