Childhood roots of shame
In my recent work with overing, I’ve been exploring the deep connections between guilt, shame, and overworking.
My bike accident a couple months ago triggered a shame spiral, which surprised me. I couldn’t even name it as shame until after about 24 hours of wallowing and emotionally beating myself up. What a gift though - shame awareness. It invites us to be deeply curious about the beliefs and areas of our lives that hold us back.
Psychologist David Bedrick works with ‘unshaming’ and my takeaway of his perspective is that, like grief, shame is a sacred part of our healing journey. It must be acknowledged, honored, witnessed, and processed.
Shame keeps us in hiding and yet is also the answer or medicine to our healing.
Shame keeps us in defensive protection mode rather than open and vulnerable.
Shame hijacks genuine connection and belonging, within and with others.
Shame says we are unworthy of love and anything.
Shame triggers overing.
Childhood situations can (not always, no absolutes here) foster an overing pattern where shame keeps folks in unhealthy patterns.
The family narrative with shame for me meant I learned an unhealthy version of maturity that I used to fuel overing. See which ones of these you may resonate with:
I grew up ‘mature for my age’.
I had a hard time letting loose and having fun. Relaxing is harder to do than working.
I overanalyze(d) everything.
I internalized and personalized comments not meant for me.
I overrode my body’s needs and sensations.
I was good at school because I learned how to work the system and receive praise for not causing problems.
Overworking allowed me to avoid putting attention on deeper issues of healing.
As an adult, work became my identity because the real me was unworthy. (I wasn’t able to access who I really was at the time anyway.)
That shame created a coping pattern of control which offered a false perception of safety through overanalyzing decisions, making non-emotional choices, and requiring lots of external data points (because I couldn’t then accept internal data points like, common sense, inner wisdom, intuition, gut, etc.).
The counter that I have learned is to build true resilience: own my choices and offer empathetic compassion to myself. The healing comes from self-love and self-compassion as cliché as that may sound. As we heal, we experience them differently and grow. I’m always a proponent of shedding light on our shame so that we shift out of taboo and into authentic empowerment.
Where have you experienced a shame spiral recently?
What does shame unearth for you?