Boundaries are the gatekeepers to overing
We let our time and energy be squandered by others and through overing–until we create boundaries. That means you’re complicit in your own overing until you create boundaries.
To interrupt these cycles, you need to create timeouts from overing with value-aligned boundaries. I have a coaching client who learned to place colleagues in a texting “time out” (phone silencing) when they violate the boundary to not text her personal cell phone about work during or after work hours. She made sure they knew of multiple other opportunities to contact her in-person during work hours, via office phones, or online work platforms.
In her wanting to be a teamplayer and of service to her colleagues, she had created a pattern of giving them 24/7 access to her time and attention. She found these interactions increasingly frustrating and draining, especially as she slowed down to discover their requests lacked legitimate urgency and, often, weren’t even within her job description to handle.
As we continued to work together, she learned to articulate clearly her boundaries but they weren’t respecting those boundaries. She still deeply valued connection, so she redirected them with how they could connect in more meaningful ways, such as over coffee or a lunch time chat. She found they weren’t craving that or weren’t able to connect in that way, but rather wanted her to serve as their sounding board for venting, gossiping, or pushing off their work to her.
When she realized this, there was some grief that came with the clarity that her colleagues weren’t engaged in a reciprocal friendship. Seeing these patterns for what they were offered her validation and encouragement to continue holding her boundaries. In our group sessions, now she proudly encourages others in their boundary creation. She shares how the more she’s practiced articulating and holding her boundaries, the easier it continues to get.
A quick aside: Serving as a rescuing sounding board is a common overing pattern because we want to be a good listener, hold space for others, help and support. All of that is great.We need more space holders in our world of chaos. And there is a fine line when it switches into playing the overing pattern of the Rescuer as it reinforces a drama trauma cycle. (This is actually one of the tools I coach introverts on most often: how to create energy protection from the critics, the naysayers, the drainers, the gossipers – the people who drain us will not refuel us.)
The story of this client is a beautiful example of recognizing when you’re drained and then taking corrective, kind action to shift back into empowered choice. A main path out of energy overing is through boundary creation. Because this is so critical I have a free guide of some earlier boundary work that you can download to help. And we are focused on boundaries to get out of overing patterns at our Grow Boldly free workshop series next week, so be sure to sign up.